is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
