Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Randomize
