I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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