so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
