she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
