i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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