I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
