Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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