I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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