You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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