I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
