So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
