i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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