that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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