she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
How's work?
Spinning.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
My liver just had a heart attack.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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