Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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