Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
