If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
