Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
