i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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