Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
