im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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