My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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