the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
