we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
