I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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