i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
