8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
ttyl tear gas
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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