Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
my phone needs a breathalizer
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
