i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
the condom got lost in my hair
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
