Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
