So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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