I just pynch a tree in the face
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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