i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
