Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
