I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Brb crying the tears of my youth
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
