You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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