dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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