It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
