When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
