So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
