im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
