I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
