I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
