Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
