at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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