Just fell off a train. Bad.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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