The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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