Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
