I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
